


you are my getaway, you are my favourite place

by thekaidonovskys



Series: After the Drift [13]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 21:43:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2041299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You are always worth being loved,” Newt says, his tone so firm but staggeringly gentle. “Don’t you ever dare forget that, or convince yourself otherwise. I know you’re dealing with some self loathing right now, but no matter how you feel about yourself, my love doesn’t go away. Remember that.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	you are my getaway, you are my favourite place

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoseAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseAngel/gifts).



> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys. Prompted by RoseAngel with the keywords "warm", "home" and "safe".

When the trembling begins, all hope is lost. 

He keeps his hands firmly clasped together on the lectern, and his demeanour is perfectly professional as he rides out the stunned silence that follows the abrupt and unwilling departure of one of his ‘guests’, before turning to the next person. He answers the questions given to him calmly and concisely, keeps his gaze even and his expression controlled, and makes it through the rest of the lecture with his reputation intact. 

On the inside, he’s crumbling into a fine dust.

He gets applause when he leaves, but he doesn’t hear it. All he hears is the pounding of his heart in his ears, the harsh clicking of his cane on the floor speeding up as he heads towards the makeshift office he’s been given to set up in. His palms are sweating as he packs down his laptop and puts his papers into his bag. Goodbyes are said, paths are walked to the door and a car is driven halfway home.

None of it is by Hermann. Hermann has fallen into a whirlwind and there’s only one way out.

He pulls over when he narrowly avoids sideswiping another car on a sharp corner. He wipe his hands, then flips his arms and stares down. 

Then he’s scrambling, fumbling through the glovebox until his fingers hit a small plastic box. He yanks it out, snaps it open and ignores the guilt that he’s using Newt’s emergency field pack for this. He’ll deal with that later - he’ll deal with all the consequences later.

Right now he’s just grateful for the sterile scalpel he finds.

He disassociates then, lets his hands work mechanically at their predestined task. He has to look, of course, but he doesn’t see his own skin or his own blood, not really. He sees but he doesn’t understand and it’s a while before _Hermann_ comes back to himself, before the emotions return. And when they do return it’s guilt and calm and guilt about the calm because this shouldn’t be the thing to calm him and he shouldn’t feel  _good_ for doing it but here he is. 

At least now he can bandage himself up (Newt has the emergency field pack; Hermann has the emergency first aid kit) and drive the rest of the way home in relative safety. And that’s the priority right now. 

Everything else comes later. Recovering from a relapse takes one step at a time. 

***

He was never intending on hiding it. But it’s one thing to sit ones partner down, after dinner of course, and calmly explain what had happened, fielding any questions as necessary. It’s quite another thing to walk through the door, catch sight of ones partner and promptly burst into tears. 

Newt’s just stunned for a good few seconds, Hermann knows (and through everything else he’s currently feeling, surprise at himself is definitely in there), but then he’s all action. “Okay, shh, it’s okay,” he says as he reaches Hermann’s side. “C’mon, c’mere, I’ve got you, I’ve got you, I promise - that’s it, come and sit down, it’s okay, here, here, just -“ 

Newt’s arms are around him and he’s in his  _lap_ of all things, but Hermann is absurdly grateful. He wraps his arms around Newt’s neck, hard, then winces and loosens his hold. But it doesn’t impede his clinging, doesn’t stop his tears and he knows he’s scaring Newt, Newt who has  _never_  seen him like this, but he can’t help it. He tries to speak, to say something to calm Newt’s almost tangible worry, but his voice chokes and he  _whimpers_ and of course that’s just made things worse. If things could be worse. 

“Shh,” Newt murmurs again. “I mean, no, definitely let it out, but it’s okay. Don’t try to… just, it’s okay. I’ve got you, I love you, you’re safe. Whatever it is, it can’t hurt you here.”

Hermann knows Newt can’t promise anything he’s saying, but the words still help. He’s not quite sobbing, but he’s definitely shaking and the tears are soaking Newt’s shirt and it’s that last factor more than anything that gets him focused on taking deep breaths, trying to get back in control. And it’s the fact that he’s in Newt’s arms, strong and steady around him, and that he can feel Newt’s heart beating against his own chest, equally as strong and steady and full of love for him, that helps Hermann calm down. 

Newt can’t promise that it’s going to be okay, but he can promise that Hermann’s safe now. Safety is one thing that Newt provides without even trying. 

Eventually it’s just tears, quiet but unrelenting, and Hermann unwraps his arms from Newt, pulling back a little but staying close - half by choice, half because Newt is refusing to let him go. “I’m so sorry for this,” Hermann says, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. “I certainly did not intend to come in and fall to pieces.”

Newt shushes him yet again. “I certainly didn’t expect you to do it either, though,” he admits. “I’ve barely seen you so much as cry… but clearly something’s happened, and it’s enough to shake you, and whatever it is we can fix it. I hope. I mean, I don’t  _know_  and you don’t have to tell me but if there is something I can do, anything to make it better…”

And Newt’s being so  _nice_ , Hermann can’t handle it. The guilt is raging and it’s time to talk. 

“Newton,” Hermann begins, his voice small. “I must first apologize.“

“You already have, and you shouldn’t have done it the first time either. You never have to apologize for tears.”

“Not for the… emotions. For the cause -“

“Oh god,” Newt cuts in, and his voice is still gentle but clearly too worried to suppress any longer. “I thought it wasn’t gonna get worse than you showing up crying like your heart’s gonna break and now you’re  _apologizing_? What happened to you?”

Hermann ducks his head. “It’s not so much what happened to me. There is that, but… I - I did something.”

Newt’s very quiet. “Oh,” he finally says, and his hold on Hermann loosens perceptibly. “If you, um… look, I know I said I’d forgive just about anything but I’m kinda not open to any kind of cheating so if that’s -“

“No,” Hermann says firmly. “I would never.”

Newt relaxes and tightens his arms again. “Sorry. I know you wouldn’t - instinct. But if you didn’t… then what did you do that you think’s worth apolog-“

More silence. 

Then:

“Oh,  _Hermann_.”

And there’s not a single bit of condemnation in his tone. Just yet  _more_ worry and so much sympathy, and Hermann has to fight hard to keep from dissolving completely at that. More tears spill over and he closes his eyes against them, and to block out the raw emotion in Newt’s eyes - the emotions of concern and care and love that he  _doesn’t deserve._ Not now. Not like this. 

Newt slowly and gently rubs his back, long sweeping strokes that help settle Hermann again. “I love you,” he says, and Hermann can hear the helplessness in his tone. “I know that’s not gonna… gonna fix it or anything but I want you to be reminded. I’m still here and nothing’s gonna change from this and you’re still my Hermann and I still love you.”

For someone so inarticulate and rambling, Newt is damn good at getting right to the heart of things sometimes. Hermann wipes his eyes and looks at him again. “I appreciate it,” he says, and tries to put the true extent of his emotion into the words. “I’m struggling to accept it - to feel worthy of accepting it - but -“

“You are  _always_ worth being loved,” Newt says, his tone so firm but staggeringly gentle. “Don’t you ever dare forget that, or convince yourself otherwise. I know you’re dealing with some self loathing right now, but no matter how you feel about yourself, my love doesn’t go away. Remember that.”

“Okay,” Hermann says, his voice even smaller. “I just don’t know what to do now.”

“I’ve got to ask you some questions,” Newt says softly, and Hermann nods, prepared as he can be. “Alright. I’m not gonna ask to see or anything, not until you’re ready, but you’ve taken care of things? We don’t need any kind of medical attention, hospital…?”

“No, no, it’s all fine. It wasn’t - wasn’t deep. Just plentiful.”

He sees Newt bite his lip a little at that, and immediately feels bad. But Newt’s back in control in a second. “Okay,” he says. “And you’re safe? I mean, you don’t feel like you’re gonna do it again?”

Hermann shakes his head. “Not right now, at least. I just needed to abate the panic, and now that’s all gone.”

“Okay,” Newt says again, but a bit slower. “There was panic? So there was a definite something that prompted this?”

Hermann sniffs and nods. “Yes. It was…” he stops and sighs, and Newt squeezes him reassuringly. “I was fielding questions at the end of my presentation and most were fairly straightforward, about the mechanics of Jaeger decommissioning and any risks involved and what were to happen if the breach opened again and… and then someone decided that this was the perfect forum to open fire and launch an attack against my credentials, my role in the war and my intelligence itself.”

Newt winces and tugs him even closer. “Oh  _no_ ,” he says, shaking his head. “Shit, Herms, I know what that would’ve done to you.” 

Hermann just nods again. His throat has closed up once more.

“Well, just for the record,” Newt says after a few moments of carefully watching him, “everything they said is complete bullshit. You’re phenomenal, full stop. And I know you know that, I know it’s just…”

“Just the publicity,” Hermann completes. “The condemnation.”  _The eyes,_ he thinks.  _The stares, the sudden realization that it’s all true, that I’m just a fraud, that I’ll never be good enough, never smart enough, never brave enough -_

“Oh, hey, no,” Newt says after a moment. “No, no no, don’t do that.”

“Do what.”

“Think.”

Hermann can’t help it - he snorts. Newt blinks at him, then smiles as his words catch up. “I’m afraid that halting thought is not one of my talents,” Hermann says.

“Yeah, okay,” Newt says, shrugging a little. “Wrong word - but you know what I mean. You’re just gonna work yourself right back up into how they made you feel and I’m not letting you go back over that edge tonight. It happened and it upset you and I certainly don’t mean to demean that, but it’s over now. Did you handle it with your usual professional calm?” Hermann nods. “Yeah, well, then people might remember some arsehole who decided to mouth off, but they’ll remember how you dealt with it and that you were the one in control.”

“Not as in control as it appeared.”

“I know. But I just want you to see and understand right now that there’s no reason for you to panic or worry - you handled the situation perfectly. That part is all over now. Okay?”

Hermann nods. He knows the hard part is going to be the dwelling on it all in the coming days, just like he knows Newt is determined that he won’t be allowed to. For now, he trusts Newt that what he’s saying is true. “Okay,” he says. “Are you banning me from the science forums again?”

“I don’t  _ban_ ,” Newt protests. “I just… scan, before I let you read.”

Hermann smiles a little. He doesn’t particularly mind. “Whatever you say, darling,” he says, then sighs and lets the smile drop. “I suppose we must address…  _this_ , in greater detail now?”

“Sorry, babe,” Newt says, holding him a little tighter. “I just need to know - because last time you got berated like that, you didn’t… I know the temptation was there but there wasn’t a panic like it sounds like you had this time. So I need to know if  _you_ know what changed.”

And Hermann does know. But how can he say  _you weren’t there_ without sounding awful?

“You weren’t there,” he says.

Well. Apparently just like that.

Newt looks like he’s about to cry, but that passes quickly. “You mean, there was nobody there to tell you that it’s okay? Nothing to immediately counteract the negativity?”

Hermann nods. “I tailspun into a panic that I couldn’t come out of,” he says. “The last time when… when it was both of us and you knew it was a risk and could talk to me immediately and assure me that I was okay, I didn’t hit that panic. I had plenty of people on my side but none of them knew how - how bad it was.”

“Calling me wasn’t an option?”

“Not once it had begun. By the time I was out to the car and free to make any calls, I was already gone.”

He’s explained this concept to Newt before - how it’s not  _him_ anymore, not Hermann himself, more like some other being taking over his body. He knows Newt’s felt it in the Drift, and as much as he wishes Newt had never had to endure this, he’s glad that he gets an understanding nod in return. “Okay. So that’s something we need to talk about when we put our plan together for how to make sure this doesn’t happen again. But right now we need to focus on… right now. What’s going on in your head at the moment?”

Hermann shrugs a little. “I’m tired,” he says. “Just… it’s over, it’s done and I wish it hadn’t happened but it has and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I know there’s aftermath and wounds to deal with and more scars and - but I don’t want to think about it. I just want today to end.”

Newt nods. “So, since I can’t speed up time, what do you need right now? To start you on the path to feeling better?”

Hermann speaks immediately and from the heart. “Nothing to worry about. Just… peace. No concerns, nothing that will upset me further or give me cause to worry.”

“Safety,” Newt says quietly. “You need to know that you’re safe.”

“Yes.”

Newt nods. “Okay. What makes you feel safe?”

Hermann considers. “In general? Simple things; a roof over my head, work to do, the knowledge that the Kaiju are gone. But in a situation like this…” He stops and thinks again, and there’s honestly only one conclusion. “Just you.”

Newt stops at that, and just stares for a moment. “Really?” he asks. 

Hermann knows he’s blushing. “I am aware that it’s embarrassingly codependent, and I should certainly have more coping mechanisms in place - and I do. I have my methods. But those are just to starve off panic or fear or - or loneliness. You make them disappear.”

“I’m not complaining,” Newt says, and his smile is soft and sudden. “I’m just as ‘embarrassingly codependent’ on you, Herms, and if it means that you have something in this world that might be enough to help you feel like you don’t need to hurt yourself, then I’m seriously down with it.”

Hermann needs to make one thing clear. “I’m not asking you to fix me,” he says quickly. “Nor am I saying that you need to be there every time something goes wrong or I’ll harm myself. That is not a pressure I ever wish to put on you, and that is where things become unhealthy.”

Newt nods. “I know. And I’d never be upset if I wasn’t enough to stop you - I mean, I’d be  _upset_ , not gonna lie, but I wouldn’t blame you. I know this is far more complex than a relationship can fix. I’m just here to help cushion the blows along the way and, on nights like tonight, make your recovery a little smoother. Sound good?”

“Very.”

“Good.” Newt suddenly shifts Hermann away and stands. “Then wait here a minute.”

“What are you -?”

Newt disappears into the bedroom, and for a moment there’s just the muffled sound of bedding shifting. Hermann waits, rubbing his tired and sore eyes as he does, and a few seconds later Newt’s back, holding out a hand. “C’mon,” he says as he helps Hermann up and puts an arm around him. “Let’s give you a safe place.”

When Hermann enters the bedroom, he understands. Newt’s set up the bed with a practiced air, in the perfect manner that Hermann can rest himself right in the middle, cushions supporting his back and hip. It’s not something he does often, as sleeping on a flat surface is ultimately better for him in the following day, but it at least alleviates all but the most stubborn of his physical discomforts. In this case, it adds another layer of comfort to that which Newt has already woven, and Hermann settles in happily enough, watching as Newt bustles around drawing curtains and dimming lights. 

But then Newt, instead of joining him, pauses at the end of the bed. “I don’t wanna presume,” he says, shuffling a little. “If you need to be alone or -“

“Newton Geiszler,” Hermann says in fond exasperation, and opens his arms. “Come here.”

Newt doesn’t need telling twice. He immediately joins Hermann, pressing a palm to his chest to stop him from moving, Newt instead curling himself around Hermann. He snuggles into Hermann’s chest, and Hermann rests his hand at the small of Newt’s back. “Comfortable?” Newt asks.

“Of course.”

“Mm. Good.” Newt tilts his head up and presses a kiss to the corner of Hermann’s mouth - the only place he can reach. “How are you feeling?”

Hermann considers it. He closes his eyes and listens to Newt breathing, feels Newt’s hand resting over his heart. He also feels how slow his heartbeat is against Newt’s fingers, how calm he feels. Newt is bodily wrapped around him to the point that Hermann couldn’t get out without a lot of effort - but it also means that nothing is going to get in. And while his fear has nothing to do with a physical threat, per se, he knows that protectiveness is all-encompassing. Newt is prepared to protect Hermann from anything and everything - including himself. 

Even the stinging of his arms has no chance against this.

“Safe,” he says. 

Newt hums. “Good,” he says again. “You are safe.”

Hermann smiles a little. “I love you, Newton,” he says quietly. 

“I love you too, Herms. Gonna get some sleep?”

“Not immediately, I don’t think.”

“Okay. Is there anything else you need?”

Hermann hesitates a little. “Not so much  _need_ …”

“Want, then?”

“Well…”

“C’mon,” Newt says gently, poking at Hermann’s chest with one of his fingers. “Tell me.”

Hermann keeps his eyes closed and tries not to blush. “Could you sing to me?” he asks.

There’s a moment of silence in which Hermann can just imagine Newt’s smile growing. “ _Aw_ ,” he says quietly. “Yeah, of course I can, honey. Anything in particular?”

Hermann shakes his head. “Just something… soft. Quiet.” He pauses, tries to sum up what he’s looking for. “Warm,” he says finally. 

Newt seems to understand. Whatever it is that he starts singing is too quiet for Hermann to recognize, but it’s gentle and fills his bones with contentment. He knows it’s only a matter of time before he’s lulled to sleep, and the events of the day already feel a world away. 

No matter what’s outside Newt’s arms, outside this bed, outside those doors, Hermann knows that when he’s here - when he’s  _home_  - nothing can touch him. 

***

They both drift off at some point and sleep until midnight, when hunger wakes them. Newt cooks up a stack of toast and is all set to bring it back to bed, but Hermann isn’t going to tolerate crumbs in his sheets. They stir up the fire instead and sit in front of it to eat, then, because they’re too awake to get back to sleep just yet, to hold each other tight and be content.

Wrapped securely in Newt’s arms, Hermann looks down at the bandages. He fingers the edge of one of them, then, before he can lose his nerve, deftly unwraps the first one, then the second. He holds his arms out and waits for condemnation.

“They’ll heal,” Newt says quietly. “And so will you. And I’ll be here while you do.”

The tension seeps away. He’s safe.

Newt checks him over, which Hermann knows he’s been wanting to do for awhile. Deeming everything safe, he bandages him back up, then presses a kiss to each wrist. “C’mon,” he says. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

They go. Hermann falls asleep to Newt’s heartbeat, strong and secure.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Disconnected".
> 
> So this is the end of my transfer of fic in this series. There'll be more to come, almost certainly, but not for awhile.


End file.
